7.05.2005

ADD is a load of crap.

When does lack of focus become self-propagating? I've been exploring a blog called gapingvoid.com and it has caused me to start rethinking a lot of my current lifestyle and the ways that I am going about achieving the goals that I have tentatively set for myself. No, this is not a mindblowing, give-you-the-answers-to-the-universe site, its just an english artist being very straight about what he's learned about curviving one's personal creativity. The one simple thing that continues to resonate with me is his unwavering dedication. What he says is good, but what he does is better. He talks about working for years on the simple drawings that are his medium--he does them on the back of business cards. He speaks to the duality required of the creative spirit in a world where money is necessary no matter how much you want your passion (which doesn't have to be any form of art) to be your life.

Anyhow, all of this got me thinking, "What have I been doing?" Yes, I'm finally making a move. Seattle is becoming more of a surity every day. I'm following my dream. I'm taking the initiative to seek out the work, the place where my creativity may afford me a living wage. Yes, I've been resume building since my move to Columbia. That's what I moved here to do, so I have acheived my goal, right? But what I'm uncovering in myself is that one reason I haven't been terribly happy is that while I've been gaining ground on my main goal, and keeping pretty busy doing so, I've let go almost completely the overall dedication that I had to my art, a dedication that I held fast less than a year ago. Had you asked me then if I would ever be so lacksidaisical toward my reading of scripts, or my research of direction, or of graduate school possibilities, I would have laughed outright. These were sacred dealings for me, dealings that had stayed with me through adolesence, through the loss of my voice, through death, through marriage and through divorce. The hope I hold on to in this moment is this--In my realisation that I have allowed these things to diminish, I also realise that they were not lost but that my focus on a personal heirarchy of priorities has been not scattered but rearranged by a search for comfort and security birthed out of an eight months largely devoid of either.

What I now seek to find is how to restore this heirarchy. I understand that I am not who I was a year ago and so my heirarchy may not be acheived in the ways I had hoped at that time, however its levels can surely come back to their rightful places, perhaps with a bit of rearranging. I am scared to move to Seattle to pursue my career in stage management; I am petrified of the pursuit of direction as a whole. But the biggest fear is the realisation that to accomplish either of these things, I will be looking at a very lonely path. Gapingvoid.com related the notion this way, "Nobody can tell you if what you're doing is good, meaningful or worthwhile. The more compelling the path, the more lonely it is." I have let fear remove my motivation, allowed it to cloud the cogent nature of my goals with whisperings of solitary failure. And this cloud has resulted in a complete lack of focus, one that I have used as an excuse throughout my inner dialogue more and more. This excuse is parasitic, worming breaches through my resolve, brooking laziness and self-doubt. I won't bother to keep reading, I'm not really getting anything out of it. My focus is shot. Bull. Now that I've figured out just which horse I've fallen off of, I'm jumping bak on as fast as I can. And we're not talking a white-man jump here. I'm looking for a MJ vert that even Shaq would envy.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Podchef said...

Just found your site through PerfectPath.Co.Uk. Seattle brilliant and you should like it very much.

7/15/2005 11:03 AM  
Blogger Kiss-Me Kate said...

Thanks! Obviously, my comment notifier isn't working as i'm just seeing ya! Isn't Lloyd a great guy? What did you think of the production blog?

8/03/2005 10:12 AM  

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